Step Six Traditional Language: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The traditional language of Step 6 focuses on being ready to have “defects” or shortcomings removed by a higher power. A reframe for the defects language is to think about this step as feeling ready to let go of the secrets, shame, thoughts and behaviors (identified in steps 4 and 5) that are holding us back from being present for our life. Step 6 isn’t about trying to change or fix ourselves – all it asks is that we be ready. The EDA big book summarizes step 6: “we consider whether we are entirely willing to face and be rid of everything that has been holding us back.”

From the EDA Big Book (adapted to remove some judgmental language and reference to character defects): “After taking Step Five, we are bound to experience shifts in our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the world. This could manifest as a new sense of connectedness to humanity, or increased confidence in our ability to be objective about our old ways of thinking and behaving. We may feel delighted, happy with our place in a world where we can engage in ways that feel exciting and new. On the other hand, we might think our changes have not been deep enough, forcing us to question ourselves and our ability to continue. Perhaps we are disappointed, because we secretly hoped that after our 5th Step we could go about in perfect peace and ease without having negative emotions ever again. Whatever we are feeling, we honor it, trusting that we are not alone in our experience…

….In Step Six, we consider whether we are entirely willing to face and be rid of everything that has been holding us back. At this point, although still afraid of change, we were pretty thoroughly fed up with our old patterns of thinking that kept us in a state of emotional turmoil. We could see how they hurt us, hurt those who loved us, prevented us from doing the right things, and kept us stuck doing the wrong things. We recalled how desperately miserable we were when we defied our natural instinct for self-preservation by acting out, over and over again, through our eating disorders. We knew we had to be rid of the [patterns of thinking] that fueled these behaviors, but we were not yet sure how to go about it. The first thing we needed to do was to recognize that our natural desire for safety, security, validation, and connection to others sometimes led us to take actions that,in retrospect, completely undermined the very objectives we sought.”

Charlotte Kasl frames her reflections on Step 6 on being ready to make space for new beliefs and compassion for ourself. It sometimes feels safer to stay stuck or to be harshly judgmental of ourselves. Then no one can accuse us of bragging or being arrogant or any other insult used against strong women. Being ready to move forward, to grow, to change can be terrifying.

When we are active in our eating disorders, we hold on to our fears and shame. They fuel our eating disorders and eating disorders want to protect themselves. The EDA Big Book lists some common thought patterns that we might need to let go of like:

• being paralyzed by fear at the thought of the unfamiliar, even when we know we need change.
• not even trying to change because it seems too hard or because all we can see is what could go wrong or how we could fall short.
• wanting to continue to negotiate – not wanting to let go of the ‘good’ parts of our eating disorders, even while claiming we’re ready to be done with other aspects
• feeling inferior to others and using that feeling to conclude that even if others could recover, that will never be possible for us. this might show up as feeling ‘broken’ in a novel and unfixable way.
• all or nothing thinking that tells us that if we shouldn’t try if we won’t recover perfectly
• fantasizing about someone else ”saving” us so we don’t have to do the hard messy work of saving ourselves.
• setting external limits on when we’ll be ready for change as a means to delay taking action. this could look like thinking that you’ll be ready to recover when you’re a certain size, or when you’re “sick enough,” or when you’ve graduated from school, or when you become a parent, or when you hit the next milestone birthday, etc. This can also look like believing that recovery is only possible when external life circumstances are “just right,” beyond just meeting the basic needs for human survival.

At the most basic level Step 6 is about looking for these patterns of thinking that we cling to for safety but that ultimately keep us stuck. When we can identify them and talk about them without shame, we can share our bravery with each other and we can be ready to let go of old stuff we identified in steps 4 and 5.

EDA Member Experiences with Step 6 – Adapted from EDA Workbook. (This language has been adapted to minimize focus on language about ‘defects’ and instead focus on readiness for change. Some fatphobic language has also been removed.):

• “I had to be honest and ask myself what benefits I was getting from each belief about myself. Although I am in pain from hating myself and from struggling with an eating disorder; some beliefs are comfortable, giving me an excuse to stay stuck; or are just downright too scary to give up. For example, I was not ready to maintain a healthy weight until I admitted that I felt that being sick was the only way I deserved care. I was not ready to give up people pleasing and compromising my own boundaries until I acknowledged my belief that being some ideal person was the only way I could be likable.”
• “Until I am honest with myself about the nature of the negative and limiting beliefs I have about myself — how they are useful to me — I will not have room to experience authentic love and joy that I want to be able to spread to others.”