Alli’s note: Adapted from the EDA Big Book story “FOLLOWING THE LIGHT OF RECOVERY” for length and to remove some potentially triggering language and heteronormative language. I love the lists at the end of the story about the challenges the writer faced, what helped, and the benefits of living in recovery. The “what helps” list is so straightforward and practical; we’ve all probably heard these suggestions at one point or another, but reading them in one place and reminding myself that i actually need to DO the basics is a helpful reminder that i come back to again and again. My favorite line that captures a lot of the community and peer support ethos of Many Roads:

When feeling like using symptoms, I needed to remind myself that by using symptoms I would decrease the amount of time I had to spend with people, and that spending quality time with others was what I really wanted.

“Following the Light of Recovery” – EDA Big Book

“Thank you for reading my story of recovery and discovery. To those of you who have an eating disorder, an addiction, or some other form of self-harm or abuse: just under three years ago, I was in the very same spot you are in right now. I was weak, frail, hiding, using symptoms excessively, getting away with shoplifting, stealing, lying, excessively, getting away with shoplifting, stealing, lying, manipulating, and entrenched in a disease in which I felt helpless, misunderstood, and a lost cause. I firmly believed that I was meant to live in suffering, completely hopeless. 

At the age of thirty, I was certain one of three things would happen: that I would live my life in a residential home for the mentally ill, that I would be committed to a state hospital, or that I would die. I felt like I had nowhere to go, that there was no way out. And frankly, all I wanted to do was continue using the symptoms that kept me imprisoned, stuck, and sick—even though there were some fleeting moments where I did want something different. But those moments never lasted, and before long I was again face to face with avoiding food, bingeing, purging, self-mutilating, and then repeating the whole cycle over again. 

I’m sure everyone has already heard, probably numerous times, that “Being in recovery takes work and dedication.” But even though it is a constant job, I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I would never choose to go back to the darkness in which I fell asleep in a never-ending nightmare that became my life. Those days were ruthless. But at the time they were the only thing I knew. I became a pro at my eating disorder and I became a master at a lot of negative things even though I never wanted to be that way. Despite how good I became at living the secret life of an eating-disordered woman, I can look back and tell you that being healthy and in recovery is ten times more gratifying in terms of feeling accomplished.I now feel worthy, I have self-love, I am loved by others in positive and fulfilling relationships, and I’m independent—all in a way I’ve never experienced before. 

When you have an eating disorder that rules your every thought, decision, and action, there is very little time for anything else. There’s no time to be happy or sad, there’s no time to care about yourself, or care about others, and there’s no time for a real job or relationships. Eating disorders are all consuming and all powerful. Today, in recovery, I am not a prisoner any longer. I have the freedom to live, to choose, and to be. Most of my time, I don’t think about the obsession that I once could not escape. I don’t constantly think about food, calories, my weight, my shape, the impression others see of me, or have time to think about what others may think of me. My mind is clear and productive. My body is well nourished. I am not starving, and therefore I am free to live without the fears and angst and obsessions that once ruled every second of my life. 

I firmly believe that no matter how young or old you are, how few years or how many years you have suffered, everyone is completely capable of a full recovery. I’m sure you have told yourself many times before: “Others may be able to, but I sure can’t,” or maybe you’ve heard that message indirectly from others. I did too. My message to you is that no matter what you currently think or what others may think, I say, “Yes, you can recover!” 

After twenty-six years of having my eating disorder, which began when I was seven, I found my recovery because of the determination I had for a different life. I wanted it to be done once and for all. I had to make that choice and I had to “do life” differently. I wanted real friendships and relationships in which I didn’t have to tell them I was going back to the hospital or treatment again. I didn’t want to disappear from life any longer. I wanted a job I felt good about and my own place that I could call home. Those desires are what helped me find my way to recovery and stay there. The change did not happen overnight. People always ask me about the one thing that helped me find my way to recovery. I can’t say it was only one thing, but I do know of two very powerful things that happened that helped me step onto the path to recovery—and stay there. 

First, I remember looking out the window so many times while I was in treatment and in the hospital. I longed for that normalcy I saw in ordinary lives. I would think to myself, I want to be able to lead a normal life. 

Attending groups helped me to stay motivated, to be honest and authentic, to remain symptom free, and to face the new realities of daily life. Early on I remember counting the days that I abstained from symptom use. One day, then two days, and later three days, everyone at the group congratulated me and was so happy for me. Months later I lost track of the days that I was symptom free, and it was as though I was truly standing on my own two feet. That was an incredible feeling I will never forget. 

I want to switch gears a bit and give you a few lists that I have jotted down. I would like to remind you that what works for me, or for any one person, is not the same recipe that will work for someone else. Remember your recovery is your own journey of self-discovery, and it may look very different.

First, a list of challenges I faced: 

• Comparisons of all varieties have always been a huge trigger for me and very difficult to stop. I really needed to work hard on not comparing myself to others. 
• For me, one of the hardest things that I had to stop was comparing my body to others who were thinner, thinking that I should be that thin
• Boredom
• Transitions during the day, life transitions, and seasons 
• Holding back my feelings
• When other people are telling me what to do or making decisions for me
• Looking to external solutions and other people to “fix me” or “save me.” 

Second, how i went from my eating disorder mindset to a recovery mindset:

• When feeling like using symptoms, I needed to remind myself that by using symptoms I would decrease the amount of time I had to spend with people, and that spending quality time with others was what I really wanted. 
• Limiting mirror time 
• Disconnecting from people who viewed my chances of recovery negatively or who reinforced eating-disordered thinking 
• Getting rid of small clothes (some I donated, others I cut up and threw away) 
• Buying appropriate-sized clothing 
• Knowing my performance in life does not depend on my weight
• Participating in life
• Staying on a schedule 
• Asking for help 
• Looking for patterns, such as triggers, hard conversations, questions, and times of day that are more challenging (when I am most prone to challenges and symptom use) 
• Finding a therapist 
• Refusing to refer to myself as unable, eating-disordered, and hopeless 
• Realizing it is okay to be on medication: it does not mean I am a failure or any less capable than others who are not on medications
• Expressing emotions instead of burying them, neglecting them, or telling myself they are not important 
• Being with people who are respectful of me and nonjudgmental
• Embracing my worthiness, and letting go of old negative mindsets and belief systems 
• Being in charge of my own life and my own decisions

Third, the benefits of being in recovery and living fully:

• Being present in the moment—in my own life and in the lives of those around me 
• Traveling 
• Having my own living space I look forward to coming home at the end of the day 
• Living with a partner I love, who loves me back, and building a life together 
• The ability to work again and maintain a fulltime job 
• Not being irritable, dysregulated, or constantly triggered 
• Rebuilding friendships and making new friendships 
• Realizing my confidence and my own light that I have to shine out onto the world’