Step Four (traditional language): Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

Step Four (example alternative language): Examined my life honestly and without judgement to see how my actions – and the ways I have been taught to hate myself – are causing harm to myself or others. Made a regular practice of recognizing my growth and strength.

As a reminder from our reading last week,  in our Step 4, we consider, without shame or judgment, the thoughts, beliefs and behaviors we want to move away from and we write them down in what other 12 step groups call an “inventories.” Each of our inventories will look different but they could include: 

• Thoughts that stop us from being honest, authentic, spontaneous and joyful
• Internal voices of fear and hopelessness. 
• An honest list of the ways we are holding ourselves back from growth and progress
• Beliefs about ourselves that kick off or fuel cycles of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors
  • Actions, behaviors or other patterns we are ashamed of, especially when that shame fuels our eating disorder
  • Things we are afraid of, especially when that shame fuels our eating disorder 
  • Things we are angry about – especially if we have learned to internalize anger. (There is nothing wrong with being angry! Anger can be healing and motivating! We just want to direct it where it belongs, rather than habitually weaponizing against ourselves)
• Ways that we give ourselves permission to act on eating disorder (or other harmful) thoughts and behaviors
• Areas of our life that we have neglected to care for ourselves in the ways that we try to care for others

Charlotte Kasl writes that while 12 step programs have traditionally thought of step 4 as an inventory of our own “character defects,” we can also frame the step as an opportunity to identify the ways in which we have internalized oppressive ideas, perhaps taking them on and identifying with them so closely that we can’t always tell what is authentic to us vs what we’ve unwittingly internalized from a toxic culture. She writes, “we receive confusing messages from the culture and then thing we are the source of the confusion…. We sometimes feel we have to kill parts of ourselves to accepted” or even to survive. It can be helpful to remember when we are taking an inventory of the thoughts, beliefs and behaviors we want to grow away from, that really, what we are doing is taking an inventory of the adaptations we’ve had to make (or felt we had to make) in order to survive. There is nothing wrong with us, with who we are and there never has been. Our feelings of pain, shame, fear, confusion, and anger – and the actions we’ve taken in response to these feelings – don’t point to any essential “character defects.” They just show us places we where we may benefit from being honest with ourselves as well as sharing in a trusted community so we don’t feel so alone. (That sharing will come in Step 5.)

Hopefully, this can help take some of the shame out of the process. We are complicated and whole human beings and we have a right to love and accept ourselves, just as we are today, even in the messy middle of our healing and growth. 

We also want to reflect on things we are proud of and the parts of ourselves that can be assets in our recovery. These parts of ourselves can sometimes be the very parts we’ve felt we had to cut off to survive, but they are often our deepest gifts. Charlotte Kasl writes that this “positive inventory” is critical to maintaining a strong recovery and notes that it is something women often have very little experience with. This is one of the reasons the ritual of sharing positive milestones with each other is so powerful. Getting into the practice of recognizing our own strengths and growth can be revolutionary – especially when we take the vulnerable step of sharing our pride with others.

Further Reading Adapted from EDA Step Workbook

Most of us have spent our whole lives trying to get away from turmoil inside by purging, starving, engaging in perfectionism, people-pleasing, and more. We thought if we could run fast enough or work hard enough we could get away from ourselves. Step 4, therefore, demands great courage from each of us. Individually, we must make a decision to turn around and look directly at all those things we have been avoiding. This may all sound quite awful, but Step 4 can be a very gentle process if done in the right frame of mind. It is important to remember what Step 4 is NOT. It is not about shaming ourselves. It is not just another creative way to abuse ourselves. We have abused ourselves long enough. Step 4 is part of the natural continuum of healing that you began with the first three Steps. 

EDA Members Describing Their Fourth Step Experiences (Adapted from EDA Step Workbook)

“I will say that I had probably been writing my 4th Step in my head for the last month, but as soon as I actually started actually writing, it got so much better and easier to do. It isn’t completed yet and I am sure that I will constantly find more stuff to add until I meet with the person that will hear my fifth step, but it will be so much easier to add to a project that has already been started. I also know that I can do another Fourth Step later if I need to, it doesn’t have to be perfect and 100% complete this time as long as I am honest.”

“The 4th and 5th Steps are like the hump day of the workweek. Get past these and you’re well on your way to the weekend. There are lots of guides to doing an inventory and I think everybody has to find the one that suits them. I remember being totally confused and overwhelmed by this Step. But when a sponsor really got across to me is that we try to be objective. It isn’t about blame or shame. It is about looking for and seeing what habits and ways of thinking brought us to where we are. I was told that getting past the 4th and 5th meant going forward a whole stage in recovery. If you’re tired of relapsing, get past these two steps. I’ve found this to be true not only for myself, but for others I’ve seen recover. So just get started on the 4th. Don’t be afraid of it.”

“Now I actually do this on a daily basis whenever possible, as situations arise. I think before acting and try not to react. For me this Step is like the essence of ‘mindfulness,’ a Buddhist principle. Basically, you take a step back from the moment to observe it as if from the outside without judging or reacting.”

“ When I finished taking my inventory, I stared at the paper that used to be blank. I thought to myself, ‘Here are all of my secrets down on paper.’ I had a strange sort of relief as if I wanted to get rid of these patterns of behavior and thinking ASAP! I prayed for the willingness to share this with my sponsor and trust her with my ‘secrets’ in Step Five.”