Traditional Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 

Adapted EDA Big Book Language + some thoughts from Charlotte Kasl:

Until we reached Step Three, many of us were working toward recovery with the idea that we “must” have it, because living with our eating disorders was untenable. We were frightened of what our lives might look like without them, but taking Step Two signaled that we developed hope that change was actually possible for us. We were encouraged to see others having an easier time when they actively sought and maintained recovery as something valuable they wanted in its own right, not because they were running from their eating disorders or felt obligated to “follow the rules.” We wanted the kind of recovery that looked and felt like real freedom. This is where Step Three came in.

When we are active in our eating disorders, we may prioritize protecting our relationship with the eating disorder over all the other relationships in our lives.  In these moments, the eating disorder is acting as our “higher power” or higher purpose and because we want to protect it and to some degree, we may even want others in our lives to treat our eating disorder as a higher power. Putting our full faith in our eating disorder and it’s demands is not only physically dangerous, it will systematically isolate us if given enough time. We thought if could just work hard enough, just control our bodies and manage our eating disorders enough, we could be happy. When this didn’t work out, we applied ourselves still harder, feeling trapped in a cycle.  When we are dependent only on ourselves – and the part of us that prioritizes our eating disorder – we were hopelessly stuck, trying to fix something broken within us with tools that were also broken. It didn’t work. We must have something more durable, more powerful, more permanent, and ultimately more important than the eating disorder and it’s promises to serve as our foundation. In Step 2, we identified something bigger than ourselves, or bigger than our eating disorders, in which we could put our trust as we work to heal and discover more about ourselves. The question for us in Step three is whether we are now willing to CONSIDER putting our energy, time, thoughts and actions towards being of service to this higher power or higher purpose, over our eating disorder. 

The traditional language of step 3 states that we “made a decision.” Charlotte Kasl proposes re-wording “made a decision” to “became willing:” We became willing to be uncomfortable in order to grow. We became willing to make scary changes. We became willing to feel instead of be numb. We became willing to play and have fun in our lives. Sometimes, even though a leap or change is not required at this step, just stating our willingness can feel terrifying because we still have faith that our eating disorders are what keep us safe. We can experiment with saying outloud: “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to recover” and listening to our own internal responses. We might hear our protests like “I’m willing to recover but…

• Not to work less overtime
• Not to leave this toxic relationship
• Not to take quiet time for myself every day
• Not to throw away clothes that don’t fit
• Not to stop weighing myself
• Not to be honest with my therapist
• Etc, etc etc

The rush of fear that hits people when they say “I am willing to do whatever it takes” is a part of you that is terrified and thinks that prioritizing something over the eating disorder is deeply unsafe. Don’t shame that part of you. Act like a loving parent and talk to those scared parts of yourself: “What’s going on? Are you scared? You can handle it. I’ll be with you and will take care of you.”

Finding our truths often means sorting out eating disorder thoughts, actions, and impulses from our own best interest. It’s tricky, because many of these thoughts and behaviors were developed in order to help us survive. Just when we think we are sure of the next best step forward, a frightened eating disorder part of ourselves pops up to argue, second-guess, and debate endlessly.  Considering putting another power or purpose ahead of everything else in our life in service of recovery can feel especially confusing when thinking about our adult lives. Maybe we have a family to support. Or we live independently and need to pay for our own rent and expenses without a safety net. Or we have a jobs like teaching, medicine or mental health where other vulnerable people rely on us. Or we’re in a challenging academic program that we’ve taken out thousands of dollars of loans for.  Surely, we cannot be expected to sacrifice time, energy, and money to prioritize this higher purpose?  Haven’t we already lost time and money to our eating disorders? Haven’t our jobs, relationships and educations already suffered enough? This kind of thinking is a trap, because it obscures the fact that we HAVE been pursuing a higher purpose over all these values: the purpose and power of our eating disorders.  

Charlotte Kasl writes that it can be helpful to have some set phrases we use for self-reflection in those moments like “what does the wisest part of myself say? What do I really believe? Which way would be more loving of myself? Which way would allow me to be more present in my life?”

These questions help us be in touch with our inner truths – separate from the ways we think we should be. As we can identify and trust in our own truths, we can speak them aloud. We can say what we want, believe, and heal which will let us develop more intimate relationships. 

Step Three is a jumping off point into recovery. Are we now willing to give up the old ways and try some new ones? 

3rd Step Commitment 

I am now willing to commit myself to serving the greater good and caring for myself and the world and beings around me. I am willing to make my service to a higher purpose more important than my eating disorder and the desire to control my body. When filled with fear and self-doubt, as I am sure to be at times, I resolve to remember my willingness and do the next right thing that prepares me to be of better service. I will remember for Step 3, I do not yet have to take a leap, I just have to be willing. 

Modify the step three commitment so it resonates for you and to write it down. Repeat it every day. Your commitment is part of your foundation for recovery.

Potential Step 3 journal prompts: 

• What does willingness mean to you? How do you know when you are willing to do something? In what ways do you feel willing to prioritize something over your eating disorder and in what ways are you unwilling? For the places you are not yet willing to let go of, what would it take to be willing?
• Close your eyes and think about sometimes you have wanted to say recently but have had a hard time expressing. Write down exactly what you want to say without editing it. 
• Think about a situation you are worrying about or a decision you are trying to make. Journal about it, but start bullet or sentence with “the truth is…”  You may immediately hear yourself start to argue with the truth because it suggests you need to take an action that is scary. Draw a box on the page where you can take quick note of the arguments but don’t engage with them further right now and keep going with your truths.